Zeroes and Ones
by Mignon Minion
Summary: Nefario hires an assistant to help out, Gru is generally nonplussed by her.


This is the first piece of fanfiction I've written in a good ten years. Here goes nothing.

* * *

**Zeroes and Ones**

The Sahara night stretched out before him, a sea of sand underneath a sea of stars. But jutting out of the scene were three pyramids and their sphinx guardian, illuminated stone monuments of a people long since passed. And then it all goes black; the cold stars the only light in the city of Giza. Moments later the lights return and all is as it should be in the Egyptian city, but something is slightly amiss. As if somehow the night had become artificial. False.

Off in the distance a cloud of sand stirs. A large billowing mass despite there was no wind that night. If you were to look closely, you could almost see the outline of a huge mass of black on black. And atop this cloud two men fought for the right to have this mass. One was tall, white-haired and white-bearded, a rakish body that has seen better times but still in top form from years of hard work. The other short and a great deal younger, dark hair and orange clothing that could be seen even in this unlit night. The two struggled atop the pyramid, the old man putting up the best fight he had seen in some forty years, but he was not quite a match for the younger man, an exotic arsenal at his command as he fired a piranha into his opponent's thigh, crumpling him to the ancient limestone. He yields, holding up his hands to the orange-suited man. The last thing he sees is the stars reflecting off the younger man's glasses as he smashes his expensive shoe into the older man's face.

* * *

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely"

"What about the minions?"

"They can follow orders, yes but this is far beyond their abilities I'm afraid."

"But…I can't afford this!"

"I really, REALLY need this."

* * *

"You remember what happened last time? We're still finding pieces of him every so often"

"That was an accident! I said I was sorry!"

This was it. There's no way this was it. She looked down at the slip of paper with the address, back up at the house, and back down at the paper. A house. In the suburbs. This can't be the right address. It's a HOUSE. It's a rather creepy house. Dark. Victorian. It was something straight out of a bad gothic novel with a dying yellowed lawn to match. It had more in common with Mary Shelly than a proper science facility. She sighed. If this is what it takes, then so be it.

She walked up the steps and rang the doorbell. Nothing. She could hear something going on behind the door. Someone talking? Two people talking. With very high-pitched voices. She looked through the peephole, in the slim chance that she would see something other than blurry light and shadows.

Nope. So much for that.

She heard another sound. More shuffling and the peephole went dark as someone on the other side looked through it.

"What do you want?" A vaguely Slavic-accented voice asked.

"I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm supposed to be here for a job? For a Mister Gru? I'm Regina. Regina Sieglinde. I think I have the wrong place."

Maybe if she pushed the button harder? That did it. Sort of. There was a sudden gush of wind as the doormat underneath her fell away and left her in a glass tube traveling at a high velocity. Great, she thought. I've come this far only to be killed by a pneumatic tube. Or at least that was what she thought until she came to a gradual stop. In front of her two men were arguing. One was a bald man dressed in all black save for a striped scarf. The other was nearly bald and probably twice his age, wearing a lab coat and a pair of goggles.

She walked toward them, letting out an "Excuse me".

They turned to her. "Ah. And here she is now." The older man said. "This is miss…um."

"Sieglinde."

"Right. Miss Sigmund."

"It's Sieglinde actual-"

"And this is Gru." He gestured toward the man in black. He didn't exactly look pleased to see her. She held out her hand. "It's um. I'm pleased to meet you, Boss."

He looked down at her hand and back up at her. She had a long face with dark eyes, hidden behind round-framed glasses and a long straight nose. Her blonde hair was pulled back in a tight braid. He was not convinced that someone like her could be of any use in his tight ship of villainy. She awkwardly lowers her hand back to her side.

"She'll be here for the next few weeks to help me with the project. Isn't that right?" Nefario interjects, breaking the silence.

"That's what I was told, sir."

"Good! Now then. Come with me and we can get straight to work." Dr. Nefario guided her toward the rest of the facility followed by the bald man in black. Yes. This was definitely a crowning achievement of technology in Sieglinde's book. A gleaming complex of tubes and computers.

"As you can see," Nefario started. "We are a state of the art facility, Ms. Sigmund."

"Sieglinde."

Nefario turns to look at her. "That's what I said isn't it?"

"You said Sigmund."

"…Anyway. We are a fully equipped facility. You, Miss Sieg_linde_, will be working very closely with me and of course the minions."

Regina looked over the side of the catwalk. Thousands of yellow heads darted below her, milling around and presumably doing their jobs.

"Yeah about those um…things. What exactly are they? Where do they come from?"

This time it was Gru who turned around in a full stop. "It might not be wise to ask questions you don't want the answer to." He stated darkly, seeming to fight off the urge to grin. Just as quickly as he stopped the tour progressed. Regina was starting to think taking this job was a grave mistake. "And where exactly do you come from, Ms. Sieglinde?"

"Well…I graduated from MIT…and um. I was working for a different company but they had to let a bunch of us go. With no severance. I'm from the Boston area if that's what you wanted to know…"

"Is that so? Well we will not be 'folding' any time soon, Ms. Sieglinde." Gru stated.

"Yes sir."

"Now then. You've worked with volatile materials before, correct?"

"Um…yes."

"Are you sure? You seem rather hesitant."

"I have, but I'm an engineer, not a chemist."

"Well in this job you will be doing a little bit of everything."

"Yes boss."

"Good. I'm sure Dr. Nefario will have a great number of th-" A sudden explosion cut Gru off. Black smoke and several inflamed minions poured out into the corridor from one of the rooms yelling out something in their strange language, followed shortly by another minion carrying a fire extinguisher trying to put them out. The bald man blanched and turned to his new employee.

"Stay here, and don't touch anything. Dr. Nefario! Hurry!" And with that Regina was left to her own devices. Or she would if she were brave enough to attempt to venture any farther than a three pace radius. She looked down at the group of yellow begoggled creatures. They waved at her, and she waved back hesitantly.

"Um hello." She said.

"Dahso" one of them replied.

Just then a chime went off in her pocket. Her phone. She was amazed she could get a signal down here, but with everything else that had happened in only twenty minutes of arriving perhaps she shouldn't.

"Hey babe…Yeah I'm at the new job. It's interesting to say the least. Yeah…boss is…he's the boss. Well the doc seems nice enough. Very mad scientisty. Boss? Well…kind of like a cheesy Bond villain. I'm half expecting like a death ray over a table with straps. So how's it out there in Reykjavik? Uh huh…Oh cool…so um, y'know. When're you coming home again? Really? That's great!" Regina hears her two employers' voices echoing. Neither sounded happy as they made their way back to her. "Oh. Hey I gotta go. I think boss is coming back in. I'll talk to you later. Night babe. I love you too." Regina quickly hung up and placed her phone back in her pocket.

"Who was that?"

"Oh um…Nobody."

"Then keep your calls to nobody off hours. I don't want to see that phone out again, understood?"

"Yes, boss."

"I have things I need to take care of. Dr. Nefario can show you the rest of the facilities." And with that Gru was off, half walking half running, back into the room from whence the charred minions and smoke came.

"Come now, my dear. I'll show you to the lab." Nefario said, leading the nervous scientist down the corridor to another pneumatic tube elevator, shooting them down towards the next floor.

Sieglinde looked at the older man next to her. He was old. Very old, and far past an age she would prefer to work till. He came across as a man who would lovingly do his job until one day he goes home and doesn't come in again. It was admirable, but hardly something that appealed to the younger scientist. Of course, working for Gru seemed to be a life long commitment, or a one-way track to be committed. She wasn't quite sure yet. Perhaps if she asked the doctor…

"So um…" She clears her throat. "How long have you been working for the boss?"

"Oh a while. Probably the good part of twenty years."

"What's he like?"

Nefario turns to the woman. "Gru can be demanding, but he's a good man. Trust me. You'll see it in time."

The lift stops and opens to an expansive area. A large table situated towards the back flanked by counters littered with glass vials and flasks, strange concoctions filling several containers, most of them, if not all of them, she would rather not know the contents of.

"Now then Ms. Siegfried."

"It's Siegl-" Before Sieglinde could finish correcting him for the second time today a thick stack of papers was handed to her, an unexpected weight nearly making her drop it.

"I need you to type these notes for me. And this…" he says placing a tape recorder and several boxes of cassettes atop the already hefty pile of science. "Needs to be transcribed, brought to me for editing, and retyped again. And please, try and get this done by the end of the week." He turns away from her and begins to walk towards the center table.

"Wait!" She calls out over the stack. "Can't you get the minions to do this?"

"Absolutely not. Last time I asked them to do this, half the pages were covered in gibberish. It looked like someone had banged on the keyboard until they had something the size of The Fountainhead. I assume you have your own computer?" He points to the satchel bag slung over her shoulder.

"Well yeah but-"

"Then you have better put it to some use, Ms. Siegel."

"Sieglinde…"

And with that Regina Sieglinde began her new illustrious career as a scientist-turned-secretary.


End file.
